Gift From The Sea

In one sense, suggests Lindbergh, it is impossible to return to the double-sunrise shell. The self-enclosed intimacy and simplicity of the “pure relationship” it represents is “like the artist’s vision before he has to discipline it into form” (72). It is beautiful and exhilarating in its freshness, and it reveals the wonder of new connections and possibilities. Yet, like an artist's vision that must be subjected to the realities of hard work to come to fruition, so must a relationship. Questions of the past and the future inevitably intrude upon the purity of the first moment. A partner’s life prior to the new relationship, as well as their friends, family, and work, must be accepted, and practical plans for the couple's future must be made. The “ecstatic stage” (74) of a relationship, in which each partner’s only concern is the other, must give way to something more variegated and sedate.

For these reasons, Lindbergh says that, however challenging it may be to do so,  the parties involved in a relationship must learn to accept this change as “natural and part of the process of life and evolution” (74). If they do not allow the relationship to evolve but continue to “hunger nostalgically for its original pattern” (74), they may be led into affairs and the destruction of their existing relationships. Lindbergh notes that people are tempted to “blame the situation on the other person” (76) when the intensity of the early stages of their romance begins to fade, and they imagine that a new, idealized partner will restore the lost stage of intimacy and ecstasy. This leads to unhappiness, as the new relationship also fails when it, too, is unable to satisfy the yearning to remain indefinitely in the ecstasy of the first moment.

However, while acceptance of this change is essential to sustaining a relationship, the period of the pure relationship should not be forgotten. When this happens, says Lindbergh, a relationship can be “buried under the impedimenta of life” (77-78). The practicalities of life such as looking after the home, taking care of children, and attending to work can completely submerge the initial intimacy. This can be as dangerous for a relationship as nostalgia for the early ecstasy, as the joy and connection between two people slowly atrophies. Thus, Lindbergh recommends reconnecting with the original spark in a relationship. This process begins with both partners' rediscovering themselves. They should re-engage with what made them individuals and what they were passionate about before the relationship and carve out some space for these interests. This rediscovery can lay the foundation for times when the partners rediscover each other and see each other anew in a romantic context. For example, Lindbergh recommends that couples go “on vacations alone together” (78).

In doing this, they will not enact a simple return to the pure relationship; the practicalities of life will still form an inescapable backdrop for their marriage. However, they can rediscover what drew them together in the first place. Further, Lindbergh shows that this is possible through her personal experiences, such as relishing “the sudden pleasure of having breakfast alone with the man one fell in love with” (78). Lindbergh’s confiding tone and the personal nature of what she describes help establish intimacy with the reader. Through this sense of connection, she encourages readers to rediscover the joy in their own relationships that may have also fallen prey to complacency and practical concerns.