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Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage
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Chapters 4-5Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 4 Summary
Many of the study’s subjects view marriage as more of a risk than being unwed with children. Less than one out of six couples who are unwed at the birth of their child go on to marry. Many of the women interviewed by Edin and Kefalas believed marriage should come after completing one’s education, between the ages of 30 and 40, while childbearing should come earlier in a woman’s life. Marriage, they suggest, is a serious responsibility that should occur after young people have some life experience. They also believe that couples who marry should be financially established and able “to sustain a respectable lifestyle” (111). These women refuse to depend on the men in their lives for financial support. They seek economic independence before they are willing to enter marriage so that if the relationship goes awry, they remain financially secure: “These women believe that getting married to a man and living off of his earnings practically ensures an imbalance of power they’ll find intolerable” (113). Most of the participants voiced strong opposition to divorce and believed that marriage is risky. Participants expect male partners to also be financially established before marriage. Women report that acceptable partners must be employed in jobs that bring decent wages. They should also be able to host a decent church wedding and a “modest reception” (115).
Women also report concerns that marriage will change their relationships and make men more controlling. Several women report that husbands are domineering and treat wives as property. These fears make women hesitant to accept offers of marriage. Likewise, they consider marriage “sacred,” even if they are not religious, and view blasé attitudes toward marriage derisively. For example, a 15-year-old mother, Jessica, says she would only marry a man with whom she had been in a relationship for years. She reasons that she can easily leave if they are not married and if he is abusive or unfaithful, but if they were married, she would be stuck. Many participants remain with partners for many years, sometimes over a decade, before they consider marriage. They believe that getting married due to pregnancy is reckless and assert, like most Americans, that one’s teen and young adult years should be dedicated to “experimentation” and “finding one’s self” rather than marriage (124). Marriage, the study’s participants suggest, is not the answer to finding oneself. Rather, one should be complete before entering into such a union.
Many interviewees come from communities where trust between partners is almost nonexistent, and relationships often center fears of unfaithfulness: “[T]he hard times that often come with a pregnancy and birth can transform hopeful naivete into cynicism. Thus a young mother often feels a powerful need to guard her heart” (126). Women are therefore less likely to be drawn to marriage than men in these low-income neighborhoods. Twenty-three-year-old Rebecca, for example, has turned down her boyfriend’s proposals four times because she is not ready to marry. Marriage is an important social marker for a couple, and if the marriage fails, the pair “stand[s] the chance of becoming the ultimate fools” (128).
Edin and Kefalas present that low-income mothers thus refrain from marriage not because they devalue it but because of the high regard they have for this social institution. They live in communities where reliable, faithful, stable partners “are in short supply” and so delay marriage (130). Others report no plans to marry: “Nearly one in five—17 percent—adamantly tell us they do not plan to marry” while 13% are “ambivalent” (131). Age, experience, race, and ethnicity play a role in distinguishing between women who want to marry and those who do not. Young mothers are more likely to say they will wed one day because they have never been married, while “twice as many of those who reject the idea of marriage have been married in the past as those who aspire to it” (132). Of the women studied, more African American mothers wish to marry than white or Puerto Rican mothers. Many African American mothers already lived with their children’s fathers and never wed, while Puerto Rican couples often viewed living together as “pseudo-marriage” (132).
Marriage as an institution is not “dead” in the low-income US, Edin and Kefalas argue. Instead, they offer that attitudes toward marriage, like when and why it should happen, have shifted since the 1950s: “Now, marriage is primarily about adult fulfillment, it is something poor women do for themselves, and their dreams about marriage are a guilty pleasure compared to the hard tasks of raising a family” (136).
Chapter 5 Summary
Low-income mothers describe good parenting to Edin and Kefalas as spending time with their children, communicating well, and serving as a role model for persistence and success. Many of the study’s participants noted that “being there” for one’s children defines a good mother (141). “Being there” does not require lots of money, but it includes keeping one’s children fed, clothed, clean, and safe. It includes making sure children attend school and supervising homework, as well as protecting them from neighborhood dangers, a task that gets more difficult as children grow. This perspective contrasts with the middle class, which the authors argue defines good parenting “by faithfully cheering at soccer league games, chaperoning boy scout camping trips, and attending ballet recitals of martial arts competitions” (141). Edin and Kefalas go on to assert that Middle-class Americans frequently condemn urban, low-income mothers for rearing children in communities with poor schools and high crime rates, but for these women, such challenging circumstances make their motherhood “an act of valor” (142). They consider childbearing under these conditions to be a “sacrifice” (143). One study participant, Corinda, explains that she consistently reminds her children they should be proud of her, while another, Irene, notes that keeping one’s children out of foster care is an achievement.
Study participants continue to demonstrate that having children presents an opportunity for a young woman to prove she is a responsible adult. The responsible mother provides care for her children rather than relying on others. Corinda declares that a good mother should not leave her children under anyone else’s supervision. Permitting children to run through a neighborhood invites disdain: “Keeping one’s children with her whenever possible shows that a young mother has embraced her parental responsibilities, earning her esteem and acknowledgment from peers” (145).
Self-sacrifice also defines good mothering for the low-income women Edin and Kefalas interviewed. They will provide for their children before themselves, a choice that middle-class parents do not have to make. They criticize mothers who ignore their children or send them to school unkempt while buying things for themselves. “Being there” by talking to one’s children and providing a supportive home is of chief importance.
Middle-class communities often provide support that helps children succeed as they grow older, but the authors observe the opposite in low-income communities: “For mothers living in impoverished, inner-city communities, however, the neighborhood is often the greatest impediment to their aspirations for their children” (149). Study participants, for instance, explained the challenges of keeping their teens off street corners where they might fall into drug use. They also must train their children to defend themselves given the violence they might encounter in these neighborhoods.
Low-income, inner-city mothers are proud of helping their children meet “developmental milestones” as they grow (151), like feeding themselves, learning to share, talking, or counting. They are very optimistic about their children’s futures when they are young, but this positive outlook is tempered when their children enter elementary school, where they encounter new peer groups that most mothers deem a negative influence. Edin and Kefalas explain that this experience contrasts with the middle class, which views formal education as a new chance for children to develop skills and knowledge. Classrooms in Philadelphia and Camden are described as “controlled chaos” (152) due to a lack of funding. Low-income mothers who have limited education themselves find communicating with their children’s educators challenging, and they have difficulty helping their children with homework. Likewise, as more single mothers began working in the 1990s due to the strong economy and changes to welfare policies, these mothers found themselves away from home for longer periods of time and less able to supervise their children’s academic progress.
Some low-income mothers, like their middle-class counterparts, enroll their children in extracurricular activities. These women do so as an antidote to the negative influences their children will encounter in their inner-city neighborhoods. However, many cannot afford these enrichment programs, “so they emphasize the importance of instilling good values” (155). They hope doing so will help their children resist negative and dangerous influences. They are also honest with their children about their own troubled pasts, hoping their offspring will learn from their mistakes. Twenty-five-year-old Cheyenne, for example, has discussed her past drug use with her children and how it harmed her. These low-income mothers believe that good motherhood requires persistence and standing by their children when they make mistakes. Loving their children, withstanding adversity, and “being there” is what makes a good mother. Survival is their primary goal, unlike middle-class parents who take survival for granted and measure successful motherhood via accomplishments.
Chapters 4-5 Analysis
Life course theory is a sociological framework that informs the progression of Promises I Can Keep, as Edin and Kefalas explore how early events in low-income women’s lives influence the choices they make later, specifically marriage and childrearing. Life course theory “directs attention to the powerful connection between individual lives and the historical and socioeconomic context in which these lives unfold” (Mitchell, Barbara A. “Life Course Theory.” International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family, edited by James J. Ponzetti, 2nd ed., vol. 3, Macmillan Reference USA, 2003, pp. 1051). In these chapters, Edin and Kefalas ask why low-income mothers often remain unwed while middle-class women marry before having children. Additionally, they explore how their status as single mothers impacts their parenting.
Life course theory suggests that a person’s geographical, social, and economic circumstances affect their development. Edin and Kefalas show that low-income mothers’ decisions about marriage and their definition of good mothers are shaped by these forces. The case study that opens the fourth chapter illustrates the link between socioeconomic status and low-income women’s approach to marriage. Deena Vallas’s relationship with the father of her first child collapsed because of his drinking and infidelity. At the time of her interview, Deena was in a new relationship with Patrick, a man with a steady job with whom she was expecting another baby. However, they postponed marriage to save up for a decent wedding and a home of their own. The Socioeconomic Determinants of Family Formation are apparent in this case study, as their low-income status has led Deena and Patrick to put off marrying. Deena’s past negative experiences with Kevin, her first child’s father, also impact her attitude toward marriage. The two were engaged and had a child when their relationship disintegrated. Deena proclaims her reluctance to “make any promises that I’m not gonna be able to keep” (107). She defines a good marriage as one in which both partners are faithful and happy, and delaying marriage provides Deena with “more time to ensure the relationship is impervious to these threats [infidelity, etc.] before subjecting it to the higher standard marriage requires” (108). Other study participants articulate similar attitudes. Marriage has not “lost all meaning” for these women (109), as some critics suggest. Rather, marriage is so highly valued that women wait to ensure a relationship is stable before they will consider it. The desire for economic and relational security drives them to delay marriage and shapes the arc of their lives. Low-income women, however, are unwilling to wait until they are married to have children later in life. Marriage and childbearing have thus become disconnected in these communities since the 1950s.
Contrary to conservative social narratives, marriage does not define a good mother for these women. Rather, good mothers are those who rise to the challenges they face. They emphasize Good Mothering and “Being There” over the achievements that define good mothers among the middle class. Dominique Watkins, for example, emphasizes supporting and giving attention to one’s children while providing for them materially, something that absent fathers often do not do. Good parenting thus centers on The Challenges for and Resilience of Low-Income Mothers. The research subjects’ accounts consistently refer to the small, everyday responsibilities that a good mother takes care of:
For a mother of a school-aged child, being there means getting the child to school on time, monitoring homework, stretching the family budget to its breaking point just to include new school clothes, supplies, and field trip fees, and preaching the message about the value of an education (141).
While classist stereotypes perpetuate the idea that low-income single mothers are self-centered and irresponsible, Edin and Kefalas’s research thus shows the opposite: Self-sacrifice and financial literacy are essential to Good Mothering and “Being There.” A good mother puts the needs of her children before her own, in contrast to many fathers with whom these mothers dissolve romantic relationships. As such, the researchers assert that the decision to birth children in impoverished conditions is an admirable act of strength among low-income women rather than an irresponsible and tragic choice, as some outsiders claim. Middle-class mothers, by contrast, do not have to engage in the same kinds of sacrifices because of their financial security.
According to study participants, children are a “blessing,” and parenting is a “natural” stage in the life cycle (165). Marriage need not precede childbearing because having children requires less planning than marriage. These women “focus their energies on what they can do for their children, rather than what concerned middle-class observers fear they cannot do” (165-66). In short, resiliency and rising to the challenge of motherhood are a natural part of low-income women’s life cycles in these inner-city communities.
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